l e a r n i n g t o t r u s t

19 march 2026                                                                                                         pokhara, nepal

learning to trust myself is a long and difficult process, which is actually quite crazy when you think about it.

we trust strangers, doctors, pilots, train drivers, market sellers, or even things like cosmetic products and floating swings in the middle of nowhere. but why is it often so difficult to trust ourselves? our own decisions, intuition, feelings, or even the reactions of our own body?

trusting myself is something i am still learning. every single day. i write it in my journal, stick notes on mirrors, and remind myself again and again:
i am open to new things.
i trust the path.
i trust my decisions.
i trust the constant flow of life.
i trust the unkown.

for a long time, i often looked outside of myself for answers. even with the smallest things. when someone asked me what i wanted on my bread, i would answer, “i don't know, what are you having?” even though i actually knew.

maybe trust begins with one single decision. a decision that comes from somewhere deep within. a moment where you simply know that what you feel is true for you, even if others may not understand it.

and i had exactly such a moment in march 2025.

i had just returned to germany after travelling through thailand. one morning, i was sitting in the kitchen with a coffee in my hand, looking out of the window. and suddenly, a feeling came up inside of me that i had never experienced with such clarity before.

or maybe it had always been there and i had simply ignored it for a very long time.

it was a strange mixture of feelings. on one side, everything inside of me tightened. i felt nervous, scared, and overwhelmed. but at the exact same time, i also felt so much joy that i could barely contain it.

and beneath all of it, there was this deep calmness.
this clarity and certainty. for the first time in a long time, i knew exactly what i had to do.

i knew that i was going to quit my phd. that i wanted to paint as much as possible. that i was going to travel. that i would do my yoga teacher training. and that i had to take this path alone, because it was truly my own dream.

at that time, i was in the middle of the second year of my phd. from the outside, everything looked right. it looked good on my cv, good for society, good for the image of a successful life.

and yes, part of me felt proud that other people thought i was smart. but inside, i did not feel like myself.
i did not feel free.
i did not feel connected.
i did not feel alive.
i felt like i was giving no space to my creativity, my sensitivity, or my true nature.
instead, i was slowly disconnecting from myself.

and still, there i was, sitting in that kitchen with a coffee in my hand, suddenly knowing:
this is my decision, even if it is scary, even if it changes my entire life, and even if other people will not understand it.

and since that morning, i have never regretted this decision for a single moment.

the journey since then has been uncertain, open, chaotic, and full of unknowns. i faced misunderstanding, resistance, and many opinions from others. but at the same time, i have never felt so connected, free, alive, and trusting towards myself as i do now.

and every time thoughts appear again like:
 "maybe someone else knows better."
or
"maybe i should not trust myself."
i think back to this exact morning.
because it reminds me that sometimes we know long before we are ready to listen.