t h e b o d y i l i v e i n

22 march 2026                                                                                                                 rishikesh, india

how my body looks. how much i weigh. how to lose weight. how to build muscle. counting calories. feeling guilty after eating certain foods. avoiding others completely. eating too little. eating too much.

these thoughts stayed with me for many years and perhaps, in some way, they always will.

for a long time, i saw my body as a project. something i had to improve, optimize, change, control, and perfect. i thought happiness would come one day. once i saw a certain number on the scale. once i finally looked the way i thought i was supposed to look. once i became more disciplined. more confident. simply more enough.

but the finish line kept moving.

this is probably one of the hardest things i have written about so far. and perhaps also one of the most vulnerable. because rationally, i always knew i was beautiful, regardless of how my body looked. i knew how grateful i could be for a healthy body that carries me through life every single day and yet, there was always that voice. a quiet voice in the background that compared, criticized, and whispered things i never really wanted to hear. perhaps it came from society. from the images of how a woman is supposed to look. from advertisements, social media, conversations, expectations, and all the things we slowly absorb over the years.

wherever it came from, i was the only person who could change the relationship i had with that voice. and somehow, that is the strange part. i genuinely find women beautiful in all kinds of bodies. i see their uniqueness, their softness, their strength, and their beauty. and yet, offering that same kindness to myself often felt much harder.

over time, i started asking myself:
why do i allow my inner world to change, yet struggle so much to allow my body to change too? why can i accept that life moves in cycles, that seasons change, that emotions come and go, and that people continue to grow, yet expect my body to stay the same forever?

bodies change and that is something beautiful. they respond to stress, joy, grief, healing, movement, rest, new experiences, and the different chapters of our lives. just like our inner world.

the real goal should never be to keep improving my body.
it is about building a relationship with it.
listening instead of trying to control it.
nourishing it instead of punishing it.
appreciating it instead of constantly criticizing it.
slowly letting go of seeing my body as a project.
and beginning to see it as my home.